Centering Self.
For You.
As women (that’s right, most men. This one isn’t for you, baby!), we’re taught to give, give, give. Empty cup? Give the cup. What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is yours, too.
We’re taught, in the most subtle of ways, to center men in our lives. That’s the patriarchy, baby
!
Operating in accordance with the patriarchy, through a male-centered lens, has gotten many of the women I know and love in a position where they’re like, “What the fuck? How did I get here?”
The truth is, it happens slowly. Inch by inch. Bite by bite. Small erasure of self by small erasure of self.
I picture an island that gets smaller and smaller with every denial of self– until there’s standing-room-only. Uncomfortable. Rigid. No room for ease.
Anyway. There are small ways to slowly challenge and change this. To expand the space we have on our islands.
To make the dinner WE are craving, regardless of if he feels like eating it or not.
To dress the way WE want to dress, because it’s how we express ourselves, not for the male gaze.
To play the music in the car WE feel like listening to.
To keep some things for ourselves. Private. Quiet.
Money. Snacks. Inner-thoughts. Photographs.
If you don’t know by now, I created a photo offering called Secret Sessions– ultra private instant film images through a nice ass camera. In home sessions. Breastfeeding, maternity, boudoir. Physical images in your hands. For your eyes only.
One of the first mothers I photographed had to arrange for her husband to be home (he travels for work), set up a meal, turn on a movie, and slink away upstairs. Knocks at the door asking for mama happened a couple times. Normal. Mama couldn’t get even an hour to herself.
I write this without judgement. My son is literally sitting on my foot while I write this. The line between self and child is blurred, if it even exists at all.
Anyway, back to the busy-mama Secret Session.
After we finished creating photographs, we sat on her bed and went through each of the images– Talking about the lighting, the pose, the feeling of the photograph. Taking a moment to soak it in. I gave her a box to store the images in.
She immediately started talking about which her husband would like.
I set another box on her dresser.
“I encourage you to set some aside just for you, if you want. You can keep them just for you or you can eventually share… Whatever… Just an idea.” I suggested in the most non-pressuring, non-judgemental way possible.
Her wide eyes told me she hadn’t even thought of keeping some for self.
“Wait. what? Oh my god, yes.”
“I see you.” I reassured her without judgement.
She divided the images into the two boxes, pausing to talk about some of her favorites. The box of photographs to share with her husband was full. The box for herself housed three or four.
I encourage this two-box system, not out of keeping secrets and deceiving, but out of, “Oh my god can I have one thing that’s just for me?”
Men are so centered in our everyday lives. Many of them are so accustomed to this that they could assume that a Secret Session is for them. That the photographs, in the end, are theirs.
Truth be told, it has nothing to do with them. I couldn’t be thinking less about what a man would like during a session.
Each Secret Session has felt like just a couple of girls together at a sleepover and one (me) brought her camera. It’s incredibly free-flowing and truly JUST for the woman I’m photographing. There is no room for judgement or thoughts of others in the sacred space we create during a Secret Session.
Secret Sessions were started FOR women by a woman. They will forever remain FOR women.
Do what you want with the photographs. But I know this…
Keeping something for self, especially a tangible thing, is one way we can start adding space to our little islands.